Rainbows = New Beginnings:

I saw a rainbow just before I began writing this entry. It seemed to me to mark appropriately the new beginning I'm setting out before me here. You see, the last few weeks have been tough. I got sick again. And in the process, in my inability to concentrate, my stress over the struggle in completing my work, and my lack of contact with the outside world I lost my positive attitude and a lot of confidence in myself. For the first time I found myself in an unhealthy cycle of procrastination, avoidance, and tears, and for the first time I didn't have my usual system of support at a close distance. So with my friends here and a lot of phone calls home I suffered what seems to be all-too-common here in Oxford: a moment of intellectual breakdown. I say common because one of my supervisors said to me when I started here, "If you figure out how to really fit in, how to feel comfortable at all times, to always have faith in yourself and in your work, please, let me know. I've been here ten years and I still don't have that." Yes, this statement frightened me, but I waved it off as a scare tactic intended to make me work harder. But you know what, he was right. It all comes from the individualized system that goes on in this history research degree. I'm alone a lot of the time. There is really no one to compare progress against. Even if I discussed my work with the others in my program, I'm the only one crazy enough to be dealing with saints. And as much as I really enjoy the time with my primary supervisor, there is little discussion of actual quality of work. We discuss ideas, history, and methods of writing, but never if I'm capable. After five months here, I still had no idea if I was even cut out for this. So, Thursday, at the point of meltdown, with the support of my family and friends, I openly discussed my concerns with my supervisor. And you know what? I'm doing okay. He says I'm very capable, and he has high hopes for my work. And you know what else? That's all I needed to feel better. A little bit of encouragement from someone who's opinion I obviously value very highly. I'm sure many of you are reading this and thinking, "Elizabeth, you're being silly, of course you are capable." But when you are so far from what is normal, even just educationally speaking, it's easy to fall prey to doubts. I suppose in all honesty it's not necessary for me to have written about my few weeks of struggle. But I'm so contented in my recent rebirth back to positive Elizabeth that I felt the need to share. In this also, I feel it necessary to thank a few people who have been especially supportive the last few weeks. So, without being specific to reasons why I'm thanking them (they all should know individually) thank you to Jeffrey, Mom and Dad, Grant, Roy, Erika, Aidan, and Rich. You guys have all been so wonderful to me. I would be lost without you. It is my intention to provide a nice update this week about what I've been doing when not in a dark fog over the last few weeks (highlights include trips to London and Bath, a snow day in Oxford, and the ballet), but first, with my motivation at hand, I will continue working on this essay that I have due tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow evening I will have the moments necessary. I'm here though, I'm doing really well now, and well, I miss and love you all. Thank you to all the very special people in my life that encourage, support, inspire, and love me everyday.