On A Pilgrimage:

How fitting that I, a student of all things old and Christian, should be told that my thesis proposal places me on the path of a pilgrim. Indeed, this was what my college supervisor stated upon our discussion of my desire to continue my work at the doctoral level. He followed that statement with this one, "I will support you very highly in this." Something strange occurred for me following that statement. And it's difficult for me to put it into words. Perhaps it's better to place it in the historical context of a real pilgrimage, because then it may make better sense.

For whatever reason, medieval pilgrimage was an important and vital element to Christian interaction with God. I say whatever reason in reference to the specific reason a pilgrim would choose to go on pilgrimage, not in regard to why it was an important part of Christianity. Because there, on the most basic of levels, it makes complete and perfect sense to me. Isn't pilgrimage something we all take on in our lives? Whatever that form is in the modern world, the medieval Christian pilgrimage served a purpose which I still find myself dealing with day after day. The search, the need, the desire to be closer to God, to feel touched and helped, and seen. Not to place oneself above any others, but to find comfort in the notion that you, like they, are a child of God, and as such, are not forgotten.

To embark on a pilgrimage, no matter how far, is a frightening prospect. To leave one's zone of comfort, to admit to yourself that your search may be a last resort, or that you may not find the help you need is disconcerting to be sure. To embark on a pilgrimage in which you are blazing a trail is of another matter and equally worrisome. In both instances, it seems to me, the difference between success and failure (and in this I realize that in the world of God, sometimes failure is the right answer) is support. Having the support of others (God, family, friends, scholars, etc.) is integral to success because it means when you no longer have the strength to go on, that system of support is there to pick you up, and inspire you to continue, no matter the result.

My pilgrimage is twofold. And in some ways, the first part has already been completed. I became a pilgrim when I first stepped onto the plane that brought me here, seeking a life that I felt I was meant to pursue. I've encountered all manner of joys and difficulties here and at times practically laid myself prostrate to the 'god' that is Oxford University. I do not, under any circumstances, regret the decision or opportunity to come here. I've grown leaps and bounds in my abilities as a historian and, hopefully, as a human in the last year and a half. And now, it's time to attempt that second pilgrimage, where I attempt to forge a new avenue of historical research somewhere in between what others have already done. This is difficult, and I'm sure past the doctoral level (if I reach this level) there will be many skeptics and many unwilling to listen to my ideas and my approaches (many historians place little value in hagiographical sources, I'm afraid). But I've realized that it does not matter. Because I'm lucky enough to have support.

I've sat around the last week in a strange mix of emotions. Relieved that I've finished my Master's thesis, terrified that I've messed up somewhere along the way and am now unable to fix it. Exhausted because I've worked so hard, and energized to do more work, to expand my research the way I want to, learning more skills and taking more advantage of the opportunities provided to me at this university. Lonely because I am missing the comforts and people of home much moreso than I have in a long time and excited to be able to travel more without the burden of the thesis hanging over my head. Sometimes I feel very out of place, only to find that I haven't been back long enough to establish my place again. Mostly, I feel my head and my heart and my body don't seem to align at the same time or place, when I need them to. But I'm beginning to think this is okay. To be lead by heart or head won't hurt too much, because I believe I've been blessed with a decent head and heart, mostly cultivated by that wonderful support system I've always had around me.

To be able to say that this support system is expanding is a wonderful thing. To know that there are those who think my work and my passions are worthwhile is beyond what I ever imagined for myself. And to be on this pilgrimage, in any format, is quite possibly the very best thing that has ever happened to me. These mixed emotions, the stress, the worry, the exhaustion, and then the serenity, the luck, the love, all of it....the pilgrimage itself, reminds me, everyday, that I'm really, truly, alive. And that really is so beautiful.

All my love to the most wonderful family and friends in the world,
Elizabeth