Through the Looking Glass:

I've got to be honest. I've been down a lot recently. I can't explain why other than the usual "grad school is hard" and "I'm homesick" lines that constantly permeate my existence. But that's not really it. I feel like something inside is missing, like it's withered and grown cold. I feel empty. I feel like Alice, caught up in the insanity of an environment completely foreign and often cruel. (Carroll was right, everyone in Oxford is mad.)

I don't write this to worry anyone. I write this for me. Because despite how I feel, my rational brain knows better. I know I am loved. I know I am smart. I know I can do all I put my mind to. It's the separation between rationality and feeling which is so discouraging. The disparity manifests itself in a very physical way and I can't breathe, or sleep, or smile. And then I think, "This is NOT me!". But it is, in a way. I am everything. I am good, I am scared, I am free, I am tied down, I am loud, I am hidden...I am. And when I just am, well, then it's not so bad. Because in that space of "being" I find much more to myself than I knew I had. Many more resources, many more strengths. I can be greater than my DPhil. I can be with my family, friends, and love even when I'm away from them. And I can be strong because I am strong!

Ultimately it's all about perception and perspective. If I frame my struggles with others I feel worse, but if I place them in my own control they can be empowering. I've found a lot of comfort lately with quotations from my childhood (see above and below) and I wonder why I feel silly for connecting with these texts as an adult. Often the whimsy and life within them are more powerful than anything written for a "grown-up" audience. Self-help books be damned: affirmations don't work and neither to discussions about my feelings. It's about my mindset and a strength of will: a determination to move forward despite the difficulty, in the face of the fear, and with a calm assurance that everything will be ok. I have all I need to succeed in the ways that matter most to me. I want to be a good person, a loving person, a person who cultivates and spreads joy. The rest, really, is just icing on the cake. Don't get me wrong, I love icing. But I prefer plain brownies. So when it gets tough, I breathe. Even when I feel I can't, I breathe. And then I re-read the words that provided me so much comfort as I grew into the person I am today. They are relevant because I am still growing. And I don't ever want to stop growing.

I've got all I need within. Now I must keep myself climbing this mountain. It's going to feel great once I start running down the other side. Woosh!!!!! All my love, Elizabeth