A Little Soul Cleansing:

In my time abroad I've learned a lot about myself. Some of the things I've learned I rather like...for example, I'm a good cook, and a good friend, and a friendly person. Some of the things I've learned I really don't like...for example, I don't have enough confidence in my own abilities, I worry far too much, and when things get really tough, I run and hide. This is not always a literal running and hiding. Sometimes I just eliminate things from my life which I don't think I can handle (blogging for example) or find myself sleeping more and eating more to compensate. This is not something I'm proud of, and is something I do think I need to change.

This blogging forum is so personal. My Granny says that she can hear each of my cousins and my voices when we blog. It's as if we are right there speaking; as if our blogs reflect our personalities or our souls. I think she's right. So I guess you can understand that when I'm going through a difficult time, it's also difficult for me to create a blog because the confusion I'm experiencing in life completely impacts the confusion I feel in trying to compose my thoughts in writing for so many to see. All this being said, I think it's time for me to be as honest as possible and to keep my family and friends involved, while explaining to them that I'm making some changes to make sure there are less things about myself that I don't like.

I took a tumble just after my last real blog when I was admitted to the doctoral program here, but denied funding. I've been blessed with always having funding when I've gone to school and I guess I just took it for granted that I'd keep on getting it. I realize now that this was foolish, but I appreciate the fact that in my foolishness there was a big component of hope. Hope is a good thing, and I've let myself stray from having it.

Amidst all this confusion I still haven't found out the results of my master's degree. This is complicated because I need a certain score to be able to stay for the PhD, and for nearly 5 months I've been waiting, without any news, except that the examiners were ignoring my thesis because no one had set them a deadline by which they were to read it. I don't know why, but this particular problem has upset me so much. I just want to know how well I did so that I can know what I'm to do with my life. Is my path here? Or am I meant to be in the US? Where is my destiny?

Perhaps I'm far too introspective about all of this. And I think I've begun to see that the quote below is so important. I cannot sit around in my misery, insecurity, and sadness and let my life pass me by. There is too much going on around me and I've been too blessed and too loved to squander so much away. And this makes me angry too; I've been selfish.

So with some support from wonderful friends, family, and certain heroes of mine I've been working to take advantage of the good things, and to power through the bad. It's a process for me. Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. But I'm moving, and that's an improvement. And here I am, pouring it all out for you my loved ones, because it's important that if you are to love me you know all about me. I'm flawed, I'm insecure, but I love you all and I don't want to disrespect you by keeping you out of my life.

So I should soon here about my results, and about another funding option to stay because I feel deep down that the work I started here must be completed and that I would be disappointed if I didn't do everything I could to make sure that it is. My supervisor pointed out to me this week the point that I've created an entirely new piece of scholarship and that is a scary, but exciting thing. As good as I've been in school I never thought I would find a research project that interested me so much. I know it's just one project and my career will send me down many intellectual paths, but this is the first, and so it's very special to me. But if the score isn't there and I cannot stay, then I will come home to the love of my oldest friends and family. I will take stock, breathe in, and start again. And I will be hopeful in this because I don't want to sit back and merely exist anymore, I want to live.

I know this is a lot for most of you to take in because I haven't been forthcoming with my feelings about what's going on right now, and for that I apologize. I just know that I needed to be honest with you all or else I couldn't start writing about the everyday again. It may be silly, but it's me, and I'm happy with that. I am so thankful for all of you and I hope you know that. I miss everyone back at home very much. And I love you all too. I'm glad to be back, I hope you're glad to have me.

Love,
Elizabeth