I'm feeling behind. Overwhelmed. Stressed. There's a knot in my right shoulder that won't ease up and to be honest, my head is starting to hurt when I look at the computer for more than a few hours. I think my eyesight is starting to suffer. Is this what grad school is supposed to feel like? I know this is what Oxford feels like. I see it in others too. Even my friends here who have PhD's and are working on their first books. A perpetual sense of not doing enough, not being good enough, losing control. It haunts me and everyone I know here. And I wonder, is this what it's like for my friends in grad school elsewhere? I don't wish more suffering on others, but it would be nice to know that these feelings of inadequacy are normal. The strange thing is, although I'm aware of all these feelings and emotions, I'm not letting it bother me as it might have done in the past. I just don't have time to worry about it. And when the pain and the fear do start to overshadow what I know to be my dreams and my abilities, I take refuge in the shared experience of others, the inspiring melodies of comforting songs, and the echoing refrain of "Kid, you'll move mountains!" from Dr. Seuss. Because at the end of it all, if it was easy, then it wouldn't be worth it. If it was easy, everyone would do it. I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to move mountains. I want to be the best me that I can be.
I'm so glad you continue to care. When I've got no motivation for myself, I plow on for the rest of you, my family and friends. Letting you, any of you, down is not an option. Because not everyone has the opportunity to be on this great, terrifying, and difficult journey. And honestly, I recognize that. There it is. My insecurity laid out for all to see. Can I have my two points now?
Love and thanks to all,
Elizabeth
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2 comments:
I personally have found that there are fewer situations on this planet that make me feel more inadequate, worthless, and stupid than school. Which is strange because I know those things aren't true, but I take the bait, bite the hook...and there you go.
The scary thing is, it's not actually school that MAKES me believe anything. Something inside wants to spin things that way.
How strange.
I hear you though. I long for long intervals of nothing to do and nothing to compare, evaluate, and cram for. Perhaps someday.
Gad school is the same worlswide sweetie, I too cross my eyes from looking at the computer screen, feel like a hunchback from knots in my back, and feel like Dopey from Snow White when I write papers. You are doing amazing things though and you are where you belong. Hope things let up soon and you have some time to refuel though! Remember, Just Keep Swiming! =)
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