For Jazzy, Red Roses:

I don't know what I want to say, but I want to say something. It's on the tip of my tongue, at the edge of my fingers. It's strong and encompassing; filling me up with immediacy and importance, but I don't know what it is. My brain takes my thoughts and spins them around at a feverish pace. This and then that and then this and then something else and I never have hold of a thought or a hope or an idea for long enough to write it down. Spinning. It all just keeps spinning.

And when it stops. Nothing. I can't remember what it is that I wanted to say. My brain is stuck in a lull, a soft sway. Words meandering along, unable to find a home. Unattached to a thought. Here, there, everywhere. Like a butterfly, hopping from flower to flower. But the pollination doesn't set in. It's exhausting. Can anybody hear me?

And then I daydream. Of peace. And contentment. And a world in which my voice is heard. Where people listen and respect. Because I have something to say! And I said it. No, I shouted it! Loud and triumphant. Bold and proud. My words have meaning and I shouted them out loud. I sound powerful, thunderous; the world shakes at my voice. Calling for kindness, civility, a smile, understanding. Joy. Yes, that's what I want to say: Personify joy.

And afterwards? Humanity. What's left of it all? Oneness. Connection. Empathy. Every fiber of being united in joy. Oh and love. Eternal, unending, all encompassing love. You inspired me. You inspire me. Held in my heart, forever, joy and love.

I have something to say: For Red Roses, I never knew you, but your impact is strong. For Jazzy, I still miss you, 14 months on. But your light? It is here and it comforts me. Personified joy. That's it. That's what I'm searching for. And my words, they can't do justice to the thoughts in my head. Because this is not a daydream and I'm still spinning. But love is tangible and joy is real. So when I find my voice like you two, I'll shout it, just as you did.

In memoriam.

Love to all,
Love, love, love,
Elizabeth